Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
