i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
