he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
