We named our party play list daddy issues
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
