did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
