I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
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Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
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Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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