If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
