There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
In other news, I just burned my penis
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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