Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
