i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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