It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
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We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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