My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
