This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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