The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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