Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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