true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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