I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
