She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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