I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
