I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
