Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
