They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
