Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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