i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
