your parents love me but you hate me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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