im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
