you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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