I didn't shave. On purpose
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
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As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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