is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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