Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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