he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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