Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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