She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
