I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He keeps bees of course he's weird
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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