Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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