chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Randomize
