This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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