He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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