apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
