I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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