My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
