Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
