I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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