Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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