It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
