Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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