You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
