If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
