Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
