awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
