I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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