Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
