Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
