btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
