so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
