"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
