Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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