You smell like stripper and shame
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
