even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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