Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
