I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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