Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
