There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
