Pants 0. Shit 1.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
