That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
sex in a hospital.. check
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
