So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
