Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Four minutes until I can fart!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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