My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
