Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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